What's done is done. I had an abortion years ago. I did it to avoid shame, but instead I am riddled with guilt. Even though I can't reverse what I have done, is there some way to alleviate the burden I am carrying? Can I somehow make amends? Am I condemned to a life of guilty feelings? Answer:
Guilt is to the soul what pain is to the body. Pain itself is not a good thing, but it does serve a purpose. It alerts you that there is something wrong that requires action.
Guilt serves a purpose too. To allow guilt to eat away at us is pointless. Rather, guilt is there to be used as a catalyst for improvement and becoming a better person. We must recognise the mistakes we make, take responsibility for them and not blame others - even if others were partially to blame - and then resolve to be better for the experience. We must turn around the negative feelings, so they can propel us to do more good.
In the case of someone who wrongly had an abortion, perhaps one way to channel the guilt into positivity would be to take on a project that will specifically benefit unwanted or abandoned children. The ultimate would be to actually adopt such a child, but that is not always possible. Here are some other suggestions: volunteer time and donate money to an orphanage; become a "big sister" to a child that needs extra support; or help out a friend or family member who is bringing up their children in difficult circumstances, such as a single mother or someone battling serious illness.
Guilt creates a void in our soul. Fill that void with something meaningful. Redirect your energy towards a new venture that will benefit someone in need. That way you don't just alleviate the guilt, you actually transform it into an impetus for good.
You can't bring back the potential that was lost. But you can reclaim your own potential. Don't let guilt paralyse you any longer. Ask G‑d to forgive you. Then turn your guilt around, and use it as a springboard for positive action. Make what was a negative chapter in your life into the introduction to the next chapter, a chapter focused on love and life.
I Give and Give and Give
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By Aaron Moss
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Question: I am in a serious relationship with a girl I truly love, but there is a blockage that is preventing us from moving forward. She says she thinks I'm a great guy, but for some reason her feelings for me are not as strong as mine are for her. I don't get it. I treat her like a princess, I take her everywhere, I buy her gifts, I do everything to make it work and barely demand anything in return. If love is all about giving, what am I doing wrong? Answer: People often say that love is about giving, giving and giving. But that's not true. Receiving is just as vital to a relationship as giving is. While giving is essential to loving, the ability to receive is what makes us lovable. If you're a great giver, but a lousy receiver, then you may be able to love, but make it hard for yourself to be loved. You have been led to believe that the more you give, the more you will be loved. So you are left wondering, If I show her how much I care for her by showering her with gifts, if I overwhelm her with my attention, if I smother her with my generosity, then how can she not love me back? Meanwhile, you are missing the real key to her heart - she wants to feel needed. As long as you are always giving without demanding anything in return, you have not allowed any space for her in your life. That is a one-way relationship, and she is not a real player in it. No wonder her feelings aren't developing! She doesn't just want you to be a giver, she wants you to be a recipient of her love and care. She will grow attached to you when she feels she has an irreplaceable part to play in your life, that for you, life can't go on without her. For that, you have to expose your vulnerability and show her that you really need her. It can be scary to admit that we have needs, and for many it is far easier to give than to receive. When I give, I am in control, I am calling the shots. But being on the receiving end is to let go of the reins, to concede that I haven't got it all worked out, I have needs and weaknesses, flaws and dependencies. But that is exactly what a relationship is - a healthy interdependence. And that's when you become open to be loved - when you show your dependence. And no one is so perfect that they don't need anyone to fulfil them. Even G‑d, who really is perfect, nevertheless chose to become needy - He needs us. The Kabbalists teach that before creation G‑d opened an empty space, a void in Himself, and it was within this empty space that He created the universe. So this world, where G‑d's presence is hidden, is like a gaping hole in the middle of the Divine self. G‑d invites us to fill that void by bringing holiness to the world. It was as if G‑d was saying, "I am missing something; but you humans, by entering a relationship with me, can fill My emptiness". If G‑d isn't above displaying vulnerability, neither are we. You have already mastered the art of giving, now learn how to receive. Tell her how lost you are without her, how lonely you are when she isn't around, how much she means to you, how her support and encouragement is what keeps you going. Have the strength to express your weakness. The minute you open that space within yourself, you become lovable. |
| Posted on May 12, 2008 |
Why Is My Child Suffering?
By Aaron Moss
Question:
Last year, my 9 year old daughter was diagnosed with leukemia. Now, I know that every mother says this, but my daughter is truly as perfect as a human being could be. She is sweet, kind, generous, caring and compassionate. She had always wanted to work at NASA when she grew up so that she could save the environment, mankind and the world.
But after a year of chemotherapy and radiation, she has suffered some very dangerous and rare side effects. She has not let the drugs cripple her spirit, but every organ in her body has been weakened. She has lost much of her innocence and faith in the goodness of the world. She is not quite so able to help others now.
So here's my question: Why would G‑d hit such a perfect child? Wouldn't He want her to save the world? Why must she suffer, and never be able to fulfil her dream to help humanity?
Answer:
My heart reaches out to you in what must be a most painful and heart-wrenching time. There are no words that can take away the pain and no explanations that can satisfy a heart grieving for the life that could have been for your daughter.
I join you in protesting your daughter's undeserved suffering, together with the suffering of all innocent people. I do not believe that G‑d wants us to defend the suffering of innocents. He may have His reasons, but that is His business. Our business is to oppose and relieve the suffering of innocent people wherever we can.
G‑d is ultimately responsible for allowing undeserved pain to exist. But we must also recognise that G‑d is the source of life itself, and life is also undeserved. Nobody earned the right to live, and nobody gained life on their own. G‑d is responsible for suffering, but He is also responsible for life in the first place.
So just as we can ask, "What did this girl do to deserve so much suffering?", we can also ask, "What did we do to deserve such a beautiful soul as this girl?" The very fact that such a shining soul came down to this world is a gift. For whatever reason, this soul had to go through the darkest of journeys, and yet her soul is the brightest of souls. Just as we are pained by her suffering, we must also be thankful for her goodness. G‑d caused that too.
Every life has to be seen as a whole, a package. The good and the bad, the painful and the beautiful, these things cannot be separated. They are all intrinsic to the soul's identity, and to its journey in this lifetime. You can't have the talents without the challenges, and you can't have the beauty without the pain. Your daughter's fine qualities and her terrible suffering - this is her soul.
Why is this so? Why can't it be different? Only G‑d knows. And the truth is, we don't want to know the answer to that. We don't want an explanation for pain, we just want an end to it. In the meantime, all we can do is be thankful for life. And be thankful for the gift that we have been given, the soul of your daughter, who has and will continue to bring goodness and light to the world.
At NASA they will tell you how small and insignificant our planet earth is in the whole scheme of the universe. But there are some things that they will never discover anywhere else in the universe: the unconditional love of a mother for her child, the indomitable spirit of the human being to stand up to adversity, and the simple yet infinite power that humans have to give, to care, to love and to do good for each other.
NASA can achieve a lot for our planet. But a little girl who faces adversity with dignity, and counters pain with goodness, and fights hopelessness with hope, can achieve infinitely more.
I wish you, your daughter and all your loved ones strength and courage to face the challenges ahead, and we pray for her complete recovery.
| Life Is Just a Pot of Cholent |
| Rabbi, I don't have time for spirituality |
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By Aaron Moss
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Question: Rabbi, I appreciate your invitation to join your classes, but I just don't have time in my life for spirituality right now. My week is packed with work, family commitments, fitness and a little socialising and time to relax. I don't see where I can fit in spiritual activities. I don't want to burn out, do I? Answer: There's a story that I'm sure you've heard before, and it has probably been forwarded to you as an email hundreds of times, but I will tell it anyway. There was once a rabbi teaching a classroom full of students. He started his lesson by saying, "My dear students, today is our last class together before you graduate. For this special occasion I am going to do something different. I am going to teach you the secret of a good cholent." The students were aghast. Cholent, the traditional Shabbos stew, is a classic of Jewish cooking, but hardly a profound subject for a rabbi to teach his students for their final lesson. The rabbi took out a crockpot and filled it to the brim with potatoes. He then turned to his students and asked, "Tell me, now that I have filled the pot with potatoes - is the pot full?" "Yes," his students replied, confused by the simplicity of the question, for there was no way to fit in any more potatoes into the pot. With a smile the rabbi took out a bag of beans and poured it into the pot, and the beans managed to slip between the spaces among the potatoes. "Ok," said the rabbi, "now is the pot full?" Looking into the pot the students agreed that it was indeed full. Without missing a beat the rabbi took out a bag of barley and poured it into the pot. The small kernels meandered effortlessly between the cracks and crevices among the potatoes and beans. "Now it's full," said the students. "Really?" said the rabbi, taking out his collection of spices. He then began shaking generous amounts of salt, pepper, paprika and garlic powder all over the pot. The students watched dumbfounded as the spices easily settled into what had seemed to be a completely full pot. The rabbi, obviously enjoying himself, asked again, "Is it full yet?" Without waiting for the answer, the rabbi produced a jug of water and proceeded to pour its contents into the pot. To the amazement of his students, he was able to empty the entire jug of water into the pot without a drop spilling over the sides. "Alright, " said the rabbi, a look of satisfaction on his face. "Now it really is full, right?" The students all nodded in agreement. "Are you sure?" prodded the rabbi., "Are you absolutely certain that I can't fit anything more into this pot?" Suddenly unsure of themselves, the students looked at each other nervously and said, "Surely you can't put anything else into there!" With drama and pathos, the rabbi raised a finger in the air, lowered it slowly and flicked a switch on the side of the pot, turning on the heating element lying beneath. "You see," said the rabbi triumphantly, "I just filled the pot with the most important ingredient of all - warmth. Without it, the pot may as well be empty." The rabbi paused, and looked deeply into the eyes of his stunned students. "My children," he finally addressed them, "you are about to leave my class and go on to live busy lives. In the big world out there you will no longer have the luxury of studying holy texts all day. In time you will be consumed by the pressures of looking after a family and making a living. But always remember this: your material pursuits are just the potatoes and beans of life. Your spirituality, that is the warmth. "Until the fire is turned on, the pot is full of disparate ingredients. It is the warmth that unites them all into one single stew. "If you don't maintain a spiritual connection, through praying every day, studying the holy books, and keeping focused on the true meaning of your lives, then you will end up as a cold cholent - very busy, very full, but completely empty. When you have lost touch with your soul, your family life will suffer, your career will be unfulfilling, you won't even be motivated to exercise. "But if you keep the fire burning in your soul, if you stick to a daily schedule that nourishes the spirit, even if it is only for a few minutes a day, then those few minutes will bring warmth and inspiration to all your other activities. A spiritual connection imbues your entire life with meaning, keeps you anchored and directed, inspired and motivated. It permeates all you do with a sense of purpose, and makes you succeed." "You may be wondering," continued the rabbi, "how will you have time for all this? How will you be able to juggle the demands of material life along with your spiritual development? You will find the answer by looking at the cholent. Did you notice that though the pot seemed full of potatoes and beans, barley, spices and water, when I added the warmth it did not overflow? Never think that adding spirituality to your schedule will overburden you. On the contrary, it will bring everything else in your life together, because it will remind you why you do all these other things in the first place - you work in order to be able to live a life of meaning, you get married in order to bring the best out in yourself and your spouse, you have children in order to educate them in the ways of goodness, you keep fit in order to have the strength to fulfil your mission. Spirituality is the warmth that does not take up space, it creates more." With a loving smile the rabbi concluded his farewell with words of wisdom that I think apply equally to you: "You should never think that you are so busy that you can't afford to concentrate on your soul. The truth is, you can't afford not to. May G‑d bless you, that each and every one of you should always be a warm pot of cholent." |
Past Questions
G‑d: He or She?
Aron Moss
Question:
I received this question the other day: I heard you mention that "the Kabbalah speaks of male and female aspects of the divine." Last time I looked at my prayer book, there were no female references to G‑d. He is referred to as Father, King and always a "He." Am I missing something, or was your claim that G‑d has a feminine side just pandering to modernists?
Answer:
Look again. We refer to G‑d in the feminine in one of the most popular prayers — the "Lecha Dodi". Every Friday night, we sing to welcome the "Shabbos Bride" and "Shabbos Queen." Who is this royal bride? None other than G‑d — the divine presence that descends on the day of rest. Why is G‑d here feminine, while in most other prayers He is He — masculine? Let's look an one major difference between masculine and feminine attitudes.
The following conversation may sound familiar. Brenda comes home from work to her husband Mike.
Brenda: I have had such a stressful day. My boss is an animal. He just hasn't stopped pressurising me and no matter what I do it's never enough. I can't stand his condescending attitude.
Mike: I've told you a million times you should leave that job. You could do better.
Brenda: (frustrated) I didn't ask for career advice, I was telling you about my day. I'm perfectly happy in my job.
Mike: ????. What Mike doesn't realise is that women deal with their problems differently than men. Men like to offer advice, but women just share their frustrations with each other and then feel better about it — even if nothing has changed. The mere fact that they have let it off their chest and have been listened to allows them to move on. Brenda wasn't looking for advice, she was looking for understanding. All Mike had to do was listen with an empathetic look and the odd comforting "mmmm." This is the feminine way of dealing with a problem: share it with someone who cares, and by them listening to you it won't feel so bad anymore.
Now let's turn the tables around. Mike comes home from a stressful day at work. Brenda senses his bad mood.
Brenda: What's wrong Mike? Everything alright?
Mike: Huh?
Brenda: What's disturbing you?
Mike: Oh, nothing.
Brenda: (hurt) What do you mean nothing?! I can see something's wrong. Don't you care about me enough to share your feelings?
Mike: ????. What Brenda has forgotten is that men only share their problems with you if they think you can help them find a solution. Otherwise, why burden someone else with your problems? Since Mike feels that his issues at work are not Brenda's area of expertise, he keeps them to himself. She can't advise him, so he'll work it out on his own. Meanwhile she feels neglected and unloved, because women share their feelings not to get a solution but just to share and feel close and loved. She wasn't planning on giving him advice for his problems, she just wanted to be there for him and soothe him.
For a man, a problem needs a solution — we need to get rid of the problem. For a woman, the reaction to a problem is to share it — and even if nothing's changed, you'll feel better about it. Men try to change the facts. Women try to change the mood. Men try to improve the situation. Women try to feel better about things as they are.
Now let's look at G‑d. G‑d has both masculine and feminine modes of expression, because G‑d is the source of both. G‑d can be the masculine fixer of problems, or the feminine soother of troubled souls. In prayer we appeal to both. It depends on the circumstance; sometimes we want a masculine response from G‑d, and sometimes we need the more feminine approach.
Usually we pray because there is a problem that needs fixing. Someone's sick and needs to be healed, someone's down and needs picking up, there are hungry people that need to be fed, and the world is full of pain and sorrow and it needs to change.
It would be out of place to appeal to the feminine side of G‑d with these requests. We don't want to feel better about poverty — we want an end to it. We don't want to come to terms with sickness — we want a cure. So we pray to "Our Father, our King", the male aspect of the divine. "G‑d, fix the problem!"
But then there are times when we are not looking to change the world, but rather to look at it differently. On Shabbos, the day of rest, we take a step back from the noise of weekday life and enjoy the world for what it is. Rather than changing reality, we seek to nurture its innate beauty. On Shabbos we don't try to fix things, we desist from the aggressive mission of improving the world through work and creativity, and enjoy the natural pleasures that the world already has - friendship, family, spirituality.
So on Friday night, we welcome the divine presence in the form of a "Shabbos Queen", or a "Shabbos Bride". It is the feminine aspect of the divine that descends on Shabbos - not to solve the problems of the world, but to soothe us into realising that the world is not so bad after all.
That's why Shabbos is called "a taste of the World to Come", when all humankind will come to the feminine realisation that G‑d doesn't have to be superimposed onto the world and our lives — G‑d is already right here within us.
Past Questions
Moses Vs. Gandhi
Could Violence Be Moral?
By Dov Greenberg
As terror continues to threaten our brothers and sisters in Israel, let us turn to the greatest leader of the Jewish people, Moses, for a genuine road map toward peace and liberation.
Moses' profile
The Hebrew Bible shares only three incidents about Moses' life prior to G‑d choosing him as a leader and prophet (Exodus Chapter 2):
1) As a young man, Moses goes out among his brethren and sees an Egyptian overseer brutally beating a Hebrew. He strikes down the oppressor, burying him in the sand.
2) The next day, Moses attempts to bring peace between two Hebrews who are fighting, but the aggressor is indignant and says, "Who appointed you as a prince and leader over us? Do you mean to kill me as you killed the Egyptian?" Realizing that his intervention the previous day had already become known, Moses escapes from Egypt and finds refuge in Midian.
3) In Midian, Moses probably wants nothing more than peace and tranquility. Instead, he finds himself embroiled in yet another conflict. He witnesses the local shepherds bullying a group of girls who were first in line to draw water from a well. He immediately rises to their defense, driving off the offending shepherds.
These are the only episodes we know about Moses (besides the circumstances of his birth) prior to his selection by G‑d as a leader, because they express a paradigm indispensable to leadership: A leader must have the courage to battle injustice wherever it exists. In all three instances, Moses is deeply committed to fighting injustice. He intervenes when a non-Jew oppresses a Jew, when two Jews fight, and when non-Jewish men oppress non-Jewish women. When it is necessary to kill, he is willing to kill. When it is sufficient to talk he is ready to talk; when it is necessary to fight, he is prepared to fight. One who rejects the choice of aggression out of a sense of compassion may be a kind human being but a wholly inadequate leader, because the long-term results of a failure to battle evil are far worse.
Politically Incorrect
In modern terms, Moses is politically incorrect. He does not lecture the Egyptian taskmaster about "the cycle of violence" or give him a lesson on "rage management." Moses knows that by the time he will complete his lecture the Hebrew might be dead. Moses is aware that at times, violence is a moral, though difficult, choice. It saves the lives of the innocent.
Prohibiting moral killing, guarantees immoral killing. It is violence used by police that stops violent criminals from murdering and hurting innocent people. There are many innocent men and women alive today solely because someone used violence to save their lives. If someone had killed the hijackers of 9/11 before they commandeered the planes, thousands of lives would have been saved.
Gandhi's Advice
Throughout history, many chose not to emulate Moses' example. During the Second World War, for example, when it appeared that Nazi Germany will attempt to capture England, Mahatma Gandhi offered the British the following advice:
"I would like you to lay down the arms you have which are useless for saving you or humanity. You will invite Herr Hitler and Signor Mussolini to take what they want of the countries you call your possessions. Let them take possession... If these gentlemen choose to occupy your homes, you will vacate them. If they do not give you free passage out, you will allow yourself, man, woman and child, to be slaughtered, but you will refuse to owe allegiance to them."
To the Jews of Germany Gandhi offered a similar message:
"I am as certain as I am dictating these words that the stoniest German heart will melt [if only the Jews] adopt active non-violence. Human nature ... unfailingly responds to the advances of love. I do not despair of his [Hitler's] responding to human suffering even though caused by him." Had Gandhi convinced the English to lay down their arms and practice non-violence, the Jewish people would have been annihilated, democracy and human rights would have disappeared, and the world would have been plunged into a new Dark Age of unimaginable cruelty. War, while always unfortunate and painful, is not always evil; sometimes, fighting a war is the most moral thing to do.
Astonishingly, the nation that Moses created — Israel — has in recent years emulated Gandhi rather than Moses. With the Oslo accords, we invited our sworn enemies to take parts of our homeland in the belief that they would reciprocate with peace and good will. Instead of declaring outright war against the terrorists and their infrastructure, we chose to practice restraint and non-violent diplomacy. Many of us believed then, and many Jews still believe, that the stoniest terrorist heart will melt in response to our peaceful advances.
Chamberlain and Churchill
In 1938, British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain appeased Adolf Hitler, by allowing the German Fuhrer to occupy the Sudetenland for a mere promise of peace. Chamberlain then returned to England and announced that he had brought "Peace in our time." Winston Churchill denounced him as a naive appeaser who believed that he could buy Hitler's good will by giving in to his immoral demands. "You were given a choice between war and dishonor. You chose dishonor and you will have war."
Sadly, the same has transpired with Israel. By relinquishing parts of our homeland, Israel chose dishonor. In return, Israel received war. Today we are in the midst of the worst bloodletting in Israeli history. The relentless terror is a direct result of the tragic policy that believes in appeasing terrorists and not destroying them. Appeasement is suicidal for the innocent and ensures victory for the evil.
The terror war on Israel, like World War II, is a war against the Jews. Losing is catastrophic. Losing is not an option. This is no time for appeasement or restraint. This is a time for righteous might.
The prophets of Israel were the first to conceive of peace as an ideal. Isaiah gave voice to the great words engraved in the imagination of the West: "Nation shall not lift up sword against Nation; neither shall they learn war anymore." But the way to hasten Isaiah's vision is to fight evil, not allow it to flourish. At another time when the Jews needed to forcefully confront their enemies, the prophet Joel declared, "Beat your plowshares into swords, and your pruning hooks into spears." The use of moral violence must always be the last resort. But when all other attempts fail, righteous might is the only response to immoral violence.
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Posted on February 16, 2005
Why the Kosher Diet Gets People Angry
By Aaron Moss
Question:
Ever since I started keeping kosher, there has been major tension in the family. My sister is hurt that I won't eat at her house and says that I am being "holier-than-thou", and my parents say that I am tearing the family apart. What can I do?
Answer:
There are hundreds of diets out there these days. Whenever a group of friends sit down to eat, someone will say something like, "I can't eat anything here, I'm on the Shmutkin's diet", or, "I can't eat carbohydrates after 10am", or, "I can only eat green peas and watermelons until the next full moon."
Such announcements are usually met with little more than a shrug - if they choose to starve themselves that's their thing.
But when someone says, "I can't eat anything here, I keep kosher," the reaction is rarely so tame. For some reason, Jews feel challenged by another Jew being more observant than they are, and often take it as a personal attack.
To your sister, when you say you can't eat her food it is as if you are saying that she is not good enough for you, that she's not a real Jew like you. You were talking about your own eating habits, but she is hearing a judgment on her Jewish identity.
This is not a rational reaction. Perhaps in you she hears the subconscious voice of her own Jewish soul, yearning to live a more Jewish life. Whatever it is, your job is to diffuse the situation. You have to make it clear that by keeping kosher you are in no way judging or condemning anyone else, you have merely made a decision about your own observance. You are not asking anyone to change their ways, but only to respect the change that you have made.
It is your responsibility to maintain good relations with your family, and to achieve this you should be willing to bend over backwards. Continue to visit your sister, and organise kosher food for yourself. Be as accommodating and undemanding as you can. If you handle it right, it will bring the family closer, because you will come to respect and understand each other better than before.
The kosher diet is spiritual. It doesn't promise to make you lose weight or feel healthy, but it is supposed to refine the spirit. Be a living example of a refined kosher soul with the way you treat your family.
Rabbi Moss
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Posted on January 3, 2007