Jokes

A 90 year old man is driving down the freeway when his phone rings.

“Morrie!” his wife says. “Be careful! I heard on the news there’s a lunatic driving the wrong direction on the I-5!”

“What do you mean one lunatic?” says Morrie. “There are hundreds!”

Yossi and Mendy are sitting at a table together and there are two pieces of cake left, a big one and a little one. They sit there for a while and finally Yossi takes the bigger piece of cake.

Mendy: That wasn’t very generous of you!

Yossi: Why, which one would you have taken?

Mendy: I would have taken the smaller one, of course!

Yossi: Well then you got it.

A lady calls the Mount Sinai Funeral Home. “Hello, this is Esther Goldberg. My husband passed this morning. Please come and pick him up.”

“Oh, but Mrs. Goldberg,” the funeral director replies, “we buried your husband last year.”

“Yes, I remarried.”

“Oh, Mazel Tov!”

A guy goes to see his psychiatrist. “Doctor, I had the weirdest dream. I was talking to my mother, but she had your face! I was so freaked out, I couldn’t get back to sleep. I tossed and turned all night. Finally, I got up at seven o’clock, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee, and then came right over here. Doctor, what do you think the dream means?”

The doctor is quiet for a long moment and then she says, “A slice of toast and some coffee? You call that a breakfast?”

A rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president are flying to a conference when their plane crashes and they’re captured by cannibals. The cannibals tell them, “We’re going to kill you and then we’re going to eat you, but first, we’ll give each of you one final wish.”

The synagogue president says, “I’ve been working on my speech for the building fund for months. It’s an hour long. I’d like to deliver that before I die.”

The rabbi says, “I’ve been working on my sermon for Rosh Hashanah for months. It’s two hours long. I’d like to deliver that before I die.”

The cantor says, “Kill me first.”

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are playing poker when the cops raid the game. The lead officer questions the priest, “Father Murphy, were you gambling?”

Father Murphy silently asks God to forgive him for what he is about to say. “No, Officer. I was not gambling.”

The cop turns to the minister, “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?”

Pastor Johnson also appeals to Heaven. “No, Officer. I was not gambling.”

The cop finally turns to the rabbi. “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?”

“Gambling?” he asks, glancing at the priest and the minister. “With who?”

The wealthy Morty Greenbaum shows up at the country club with his new wife, a beautiful woman half his age.

His buddies are very impressed and later they ask him how he got such a gorgeous young wife.

“I lied about my age,” Morty confesses.

They ask, “Did you tell her you were fifty?”

“No,” replies Morty. “I told her I was ninety.”

Feeling his days are numbered, the head of Hamas visits a fortune teller to find out when his end will come. She says, “You’re going to die on a Jewish holiday.”

The terrorist demands to know, “Which holiday? Hanukkah? Passover? Which Jewish holiday will be the day of my death??”

The astrologer answers, “Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday!”

It’s Yom Kippur. The rabbi, who’s addicted to golf, goes out and plays a few holes before services. First hole, he makes birdie. Up in heaven, Moses turns to God and says, “You let him make a birdie playing golf on Yom Kippur?!”

God says, “Just watch.”

On the second hole, the rabbi makes an eagle.

Moses frowns, can’t believe what he’s seeing.

Then, on the third hole, the rabbi makes an unbelievable hole in one!

Moses turns to God with outrage, “God, what are you doing, letting him get a birdie, an eagle, and a hole in one?!”

God looks over at Moses and responds, “Who’s he going to tell?”

Max Goldberg goes to see his cardiologist. The doctor examines him and then tells Max he’d like to speak to Mrs. Goldberg privately. So Max leaves the room and his wife comes in. The doctor tells her, “Mrs. Goldberg, your husband’s condition is extremely serious. It is exacerbated by stress so you must do everything you can to eliminate stress from Max’s life. When he gets up every morning, make his favorite breakfast and bring it to him in bed. Give him a hug and a kiss on his way out the door, and call him at work to tell him how great he is. When he comes home in the evening, have his slippers and a delicious dinner waiting for him. Give him whatever he wants in the bedroom, and act sweet to him at all times. If you do this, Max can live another twenty years.”

Mrs. Goldberg nods along, then leaves the office and gets in the car, where Max worriedly asks her what the doctor said. Mrs. Goldberg responds, “You’re going to die.”

A Surgeon, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older. "Well," argued the Surgeon, "G‑d created Eve from Adam by form of surgery, so I amsure that mine is the oldest profession." "No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older."

 "But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who do you think created the chaos?"

You know the story about the rabbi who in the middle of his Yizkor sermon on Yom Kippur, pounds on the table and says ‘Wake up to the fact that every single person in this congregation, myself included, is going to die!”

And as he expected, everyone’s suddenly very alarmed, except for one man in the third row whose face breaks out into a broad smile.

And the rabbi is so shocked, he points to this man and says, “so why are you so amused, aren’t you afraid?”

And the man shrugs his shoulders and answers, “Well I’m not from this congregation. I’m just visiting my sister.

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks upset, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..."

  The man sighs and says, "It's started..."

A man came to a bar on a nightly basis, ordering two glasses of Crown Royal. When the bartender asked him why he never changed his order, the man explained that he had a friend with whom he drank a nightly glass of Crown Royal for many years.

"My friend was drafted and died in Korea," the man sighed, "and I decided to immortalize him by drinking two glasses of Crown Royal every night. One glass I drink for him; the other for myself."

One night, after thirty years, the man entered the bar and ordered a single glass of Crown Royal.

"What happened?" asked the bartender.

"Oh," the man responded, "I quit drinking."

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his friend and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.

"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredrick Mann, from Philadelphia."

"Really? I've never heard of him. What did he write?"

"A check."

 A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains

to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of

God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read

to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.

"Give me the best French wine and French bread," he requested.

So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian's turn.

"Give me a great big plate of pasta," said the Italian.

So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jew's turn.

"I want a big bowl of strawberries, " said the Jew.

"Strawberries!!! They aren't even in season!"

"Nu, so I'll wait..."

Three Texans are sitting together on an airplane. Two are hardy, tall men wearing cowboy boots and 10 gallon hats. The third is a little old Jewish man wearing a yalmuke, short pants, and high black sox with sandles.

The first Texan says: My name is Roger, I have 2000 acres and 3,000 head of cattle. I call my place "The Jolly Roger."

The second Texan says: My name is Gene. I own 5.000 acres and 5,000 head. I call my place "Gene's Ranch Estate."

The little old Jewish man says: I own 200 acres and got no cattle.

And what do you call your place says Roger sarcastically.

Downtown Dallas says the old Jewish man.

Freda and Moshe Levy won 8 million dollars in the Mega Lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of living in luxury. They bought a luxurious mansion in, surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable and decided to hire a butler. After much searching, they found the perfect one. One day, they instructed the butler to set up a dinner for four because they were inviting their friends, the Cohens, over for dinner and they will be going out for the day. When they returned that evening, they found the table set for six. When they asked the butler why six places were set when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four, the butler replied: "The Cohens called and said that they were bringing the Blintzes."

There was a rabbi known for his constant preaching about the need to nurture children with warmth and love.

One time he noticed some children who were playing in the freshly laid concrete outside his newly renovated home, their little feet leaving lasting impressions. He became irritated and started chastising the children.

A congregant asked, "How can you, a person who devoted his entire life to teaching warmth to children, speak this way?"

To which the rabbi replied: "You must understand. I love children in the abstract, not the concrete."

It's the yahtzeit of Bernie Gold's death and Sadie, his widow, goes to the cemetery to clean his grave, read a prayer and then place a small stone on the marble, as is the tradition, to show that the deceased is remembered.

But because she hadn't visited his grave for some years, Sadie cannot find Bernie's resting place and has to ask an attendant for help. He escorts her to the cemetery office where all the records are kept. He made her a cup of coffee and then spent time looking at maps and lists. After 30 minutes, he finally turns to Sadie and says, "I can find no record of a Bernie Gold buried at this cemetery. Are you sure he is here? All I can find is the grave of Sadie Gold"

"That's him!" Sadie shouts out. "Bernie always put everything in my name."

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, “Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread....’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’ we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church.”

The Pope responds saying, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”

“Well,” says the Tyson man, “we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread....’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’”

Again, the Pope replies, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”

Finally, the Tyson guy says, “This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread...’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’” and he leaves.

The next day, the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news. “The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion.”

“The bad news is that we are losing the Wonder Bread Account.”

Doctor Jacobs finished his examination and informed Herman that he was in perfect health.
"But what about my headaches?" Herman moaned.
"I'm not at all worried about your headaches," Dr. Jacobs replied.
"If you had my headaches, doctor, I wouldn't worry about them either," said Herman.

After being with his shidduch date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her.

Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Miriam was bragging to her next-door neighbor, Esther, about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."

"You're lucky," Esther said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, and household articles in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half-hour ago."

Bush was very curious about how the Jewish people knew everything before he did. So he called the FBI and asked them to figure it out.
One week later they came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews have something called shabbas. They meet each other at the synagogue and use a code. They sit, they pray, and there is a word that is the key to this secret. This word is 'Nu?'. When one says to another, 'Nu?' the other tells him everything, every bit of news."
Bush wanted to see this for himself. So the FBI dressed him like a Hassid and taught him to read from the right to the left of the siddur. Bush arrived at a synagogue on shabbas and sat beside Issy. He waited for a moment, and said, "Nu?"
Issy answered, "Shh, don’t talk now, Bush is coming."

I was setting up a large, cast aluminum, decorative sundial in my yard that I had purchased from a garden catalog. A very old neighbor, Sophie Greenberg, was watching my progress and asked, "So, what's that for?"
I explained, "It's a sun dial, see the sun will hit that small triangular spike and cast a shadow on the face of the sundial. Then, as the sun moves across the sky, the shadow also moves across the calibrated dial, enabling a person to determine the correct time."
Sophie shook her head and muttered, "Oy, what will they think of next?"

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, my dear?" she asked.

The little boy told his grandmother, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you come to visit us again."

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:"Good trade....."

Sometime in the 1970s, on an absolutely freezing day, a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the Soviet Union.

The townspeople, bundled to their eyeballs, line up outside the town store to wait to be given their rations. After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave." The Jews in the line leave grumbling.

About an hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so anyone who is not a member of the Communist party will have to leave." More grumbling as the non-Party members depart.

Another hour goes by and the man comes out of the store again and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone in the line, so anyone who wasn't a member of the Party before 1956 has to leave." More grumbling as all the younger Party members leave. A few old people remain in the line.

Another hour goes by. It's now getting dark and it's cold. The same man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't any meat. Go home."

One old lady in the line turns to her neighbor and says, "See? It's like I told you. The Jews always get the best treatment ..."

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"I'm wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded,"You're right!"

Old Yitzhak is standing in a Moscow street looking through the window of a huge grocery shop. He mutters, "So they have no more beef... And no more lamb... And they don’t even have any bread Nor do they have any milk or cheese or eggs or flour In fact they hardly have anything at all."

Suddenly, a man standing next to Yitzhak hisses in his ear, "Shut up, you stupid Yid. Stop spreading anti- Soviet propaganda or I'll hit your stupid head with the butt of my gun. Have you understood me?"

"Yes, I understood, I understood

Sidney Cohen was thinking about how good his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son." "Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
Sidney thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there — if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

Morris the new manager at the Goldman Leather Company felt it was time for a shake-up and is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On his first tour of the factory, he sees a young man leaning against a wall. The area is full of production workers and he thinks this is a good time to let them all know he means business.
Morris walks up to the man and asks, "How much money do you make a week?"
The young man looks at Morris and replies, "I make $200 a week. Why do you want to know?"
Morris then hands the man $200 and shouts, "Here's a week's pay. Get out of here and don't let me see you here again."
Feeling pretty good about his first dismissal, Morris looks around and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a smile on his face, one of the workers replied, "He's the pizza delivery guy."

Morris the new manager at the Goldman Leather Company felt it was time for a shake-up and is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On his first tour of the factory, he sees a young man leaning against a wall. The area is full of production workers and he thinks this is a good time to let them all know he means business.
Morris walks up to the man and asks, "How much money do you make a week?"
The young man looks at Morris and replies, "I make $200 a week. Why do you want to know?"
Morris then hands the man $200 and shouts, "Here's a week's pay. Get out of here and don't let me see you here again."
Feeling pretty good about his first dismissal, Morris looks around and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a smile on his face, one of the workers replied, "He's the pizza delivery guy."

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?"
"Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."
"Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.
Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a wedding when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
They arrived at the wedding a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"

Harry went for a job interview. It seemed to go well because before he left, he was told, "We would like you to work for us. We'll give you $10 an hour starting today and in three months time we'll increase it to $15 an hour. So when would you like to start?"
Harry replies, "In about 3 months from now."

The President of Iran was sitting in his office when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. President," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Moshe from a small town in Israel. I am ringing to inform you that our morning minyan is officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Moshe," the President replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Moshe after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Shlomy, my next door neighbor Yossi, and the entire 6:00 am morning minyan — that makes 18!"
The President sighed. "I must tell you Moshe that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Oy vay!", said Moshe, "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Moshe rang back. "Al Right Mr. President, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Moshe?" The President asked.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and yankel's tractor from the farm."
Once more the President sighed. "I must tell you, Moshe, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Moshe "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, Moshe rang again the next day. "Hello Mr. President, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Shimon's ultra- light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the 8:00 am Minyan has joined us as well!"
The President was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Moshe that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Oo lah lah!", said Moshe, "I'll have to ring you back. "Sure enough, Moshe called again the next day. "Mr. President, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said the President. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Moshe "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."

An archaeologist working in the Israeli desert discovered a casket containing a mummy. He proudly announced: "I have just found a 3,000- year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure."

Tests on the mummy confirmed the archaeologist's findings. "How did you know he died of heart failure?" asked a journalist.

"It was simple," said the archaeologist. "There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 shekels on Goliath'."

Gary stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity. He looked up, looked down, measured the distance, figured the wind direction and speed. Then he started over again. All this was driving his partner Benny nuts. Finally Benny said, "Oy vey! What's taking you so long? Hit the blasted ball will you already!"
Gary replied, "But Benny, my wife Suzie is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, Gary, you'll never hit her from here!"

One day, Benny the psychiatrist was on the subway coming home from work one day when he saw an elderly gentleman talking to himself and then laughing aloud. Every so often, the man would put up his hand, stop talking then start all over again. Benny had to find out more.
"Excuse me, I hope you don't mind me asking, but is there anything I can do to help?"
"Thank you but no. To keep me awake, I tell myself jokes when I'm travelling."
"But why do you keep raising your hand?" asked Benny.
"Oh, that's to stop me telling a joke I've heard before."

Lionel is flying from New York to LA. He boards his plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a heavy, mean-looking, giant of a man sits next to him and promptly falls asleep.
During the flight, Lionel begins to feel quite sick and wants to go to the toilet, but he's afraid to wake the giant and it would be impossible to climb over him. So Lionel has to sit there trying to decide the best course of action. Suddenly, the plane hits some air turbulence and lurches around for a few seconds. A wave of nausea overcomes Lionel and he is sick all over the giant.
Some time later, the giant awakes and sees the vomit over him.
"So," says Lionel, "are you feeling better now?" 

Sadie is dying. As she lay in her bed, she says, "Shlomo, are you here?"
"Sadie, can't you see I'm standing right next to you?" replies Shlomo.
"Well that's a change," says Sadie, "I'm not used to having you at home."
"Oh now come on darling," says Shlomo, "you didn't really expect me to be out of the house when you're dying?"
"Well it wouldn't have surprised me," says Sadie.
"Please let's not argue," says Shlomo.
"OK," says Sadie, "but I want you to promise me something. How many cars have you ordered to go to the cemetery?"
"Four," replies Shlomo.
"Does that include the hearse?" asks Sadie.
"Yes," replies Shlomo, "but this is not the time to talk about it."
"Shlomo, it's my funeral, remember," says Sadie. "Four cars are too many. If people want to come, let them find their own way there. Cancel one of the cars."
"OK," says Shlomo.
"And I want you to promise me something else," says Sadie.
"Anything darling," says Shlomo.
"I want you and my mother to travel together in the same car," says Sadie.
"But darling," says Shlomo, "you know we've not spoken to one another for at least ten years."
"I know," says Sadie, "but I don't care. It's what I want. Promise me you'll do it."
"Well, OK," replies Shlomo, "I'll do it, but let me tell you now, it will ruin the day for me."

Yitzhak had just moved into a new apartment and was out celebrating with his friend Benny. At 2am, he invited Benny back to his apartment where they continued to celebrate.
Then Benny said, "Before I go, why not show me around?"
So Yitzhak proudly showed Benny his apartment and all the high tech it contained. Then he took Benny into his bedroom where his friend couldn't help but notice a very large shofar on the chest of drawers.
"why do you have a shofar in your bedroom?" asked Benny.
"That's my clock," Yitzhak replied.
"A clock? Are you serious?" said Benny.
"Of course," replied Yitzhak.
"So how does it work?" said Benny.
"Watch this," replied Yitzhak, as he picked up the shofar and blew it at the top of his lungs. They stood looking at each other for a moment when suddenly, someone in the apartment next door screamed, "Stop that, you inconsiderate oaf. It's quarter to three in the morning."

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Mealtime
It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

The drinker
Ben Cohen had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So Ben stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. Ben figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside, Ben stood up but fell flat on his face again. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door, Ben stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed Ben tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife, Yente, standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" Ben asked, putting on an innocent look.
Yente replied "The pub called - you left your wheelchair there again."

The tourist
A Swiss tourist in Tel Aviv is looking for directions and pulls up at a bus stop where two Israelis are waiting. Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he says.
The two Israelis just stare at him.
“Excusey-moi, parlez vous Francais?”
The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?”
No response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”
Still nothing.
The Swiss tourist drives off, extremely disgusted and frustrated. The first Israeli turns to his friend and says, “You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language”
“Why?” says his friend, “that guy knew four languages and that didn’t do him any good!”

The convert
Abe and Shlomo are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic Church. They see a big sign posted that says: - ‘CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET $200.00’
Abe stops walking and stares at the sign.
Shlomo turns to him and says, “Abe, what’s going on?”
“Shlomo,” replies Abe, “I’m thinking of doing it.”
Shlomo says, “What, are you crazy?”
Abe thinks for a minute and says, “Shlomo, I’m going to do it.”
With that, Abe strides purposely into the church and comes out 20 minutes later with his head bowed. “So,” asks Shlomo, “did you get your $200.00?”
Abe looks up at him and says, “Is that all you people think of?”

The confession
Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, "Our priest knows more about things than your rabbi!"
To which David replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

Exclusive Clubs!
O'Brien kept nudging Cohen to let him play at his Jewish Country Club. Cohen told him that only Jews could play golf there.
He drove him crazy for months and he finally gave in but warned him that if anyone asked, his name was Goldberg. If asked what his occupation was, he was a manufacturer. O'Brien asked what kind of a manufacturer should he be and he told him to say that he made tallis.
Sure enough, after playing 18 holes, he's approached by one of the members. He said that he hadn't seen him before and asked his name.
He replied, "My name is Goldberg."
"What do you do for a living, Mr. Goldberg?"
He replies, "I'm a manufacturer."
"What do you manufacture?"
"I make tallises."
"You know, I always wanted to know what the Hebrew letters on the neck of the tallis meant. Can you tell me?"
O'Brien said, "to tell the truth, I only make the sleeves".

Hagbah!
In their infinite wisdom, the gabbaim gave hagbah to Moshe, the puniest guy in the shul. With great effort, Moshe manages to complete the act but nearly faints in doing so. He then vows he will never be embarrassed like that again. He joins a local gym and commences a six months heavy training course - push ups, sit ups, chinning, weight lifting, 10Ks - the whole thing.
Six month’s later, he's back in shul and the Gabbaim call him up again. This time Moshe picks up the Sefer like it was made of feathers, and flips it in the air. While the Torah is spinning, Moshe does a somersault and gets on his feet just in time to catch the falling Torah. He then turns to the Gabbaim and ays, "What do you think of that, then?"
The Gabbai replies, "Very nice, but we gave you Shishi."

Shadchen
A shadchen goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."
Martin replies, "I never interfere in my son's life."
The shadchen responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."
"Well, in that case..."
Next, the shadchen approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter is too young to marry."
"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."
Finally, the shadchen goes to see the president of the World Bank.
"I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...."

Moishe Cohen
Walking through London’s Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Cohen's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Cohen?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Cohen 's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Cohen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Centre. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland.
Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?'
He say, 'Moishe Cohen.'
Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sem Ting.'"

Jewish jokes
David is telling a new joke to Yossi.
"Yitzhak and Hymie were talking one day..."
Right away, Yossi interrupts him. "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do your jokes always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once will you David!"
So David starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah...."

Hot Soup
An Italian, a Frenchman and a Jew arrive in Heaven and each is judged. The angel escorts the Frenchman to his heavenly reward. They enter a beautifully arranged banquetting hall with all the foods that a French connoiseur could dream of. All the delicacies of a lifetime.
The Frenchman turns to the angel and says "this can't be mine. I was immoral most of my life and was hardly G‑d fearing."
The angel replies "There is a hitch. Everyday at 5:00pm they will bring in a large pot of soup boiling hot. You will be immersed in it. If you can take the pain you can partake of the banquet."
"Sorry" said the Frenchman "I just could not tolerate the pain."
The Italian too is taken to his reward a similar banquet with pasta ohn a shiur, and all the best Italian foods. Again a similar dialogue takes place, the Italian admitting to a life of financial fraud and debauchery. He too is advised that at 5:00pm each day he will be immersed in a boiling hot pot of ministrone and again states that the pain would be too much to bear.
Finally the Jew gets taken to his eternal rewards. A Reich special with all the galeretta, chopped liver etc imaginable. He too cannot believe his luck.
"I never went to Shul, hardly kept shabboss and Kashrus was honoured in the breach. How can this be mine?"
Again the same response; "5:00pm each day, boiling hot chicken soup. If you can take the pain the banquet is yours."
"Fine said the Yidel, I'll take it". "Excuse me" says the angel but the Frenchman and Italian both declined, what makes you different?"
"I know Jewish functions" he replies "5:00pm is not 5:00pm and the soup is never that hot."

The plaque
One Yom Kippur after morning services, the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good day, David."
"Good day, Rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Rabbi, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Rosh Hashanah or the Yom Kippur service?"

Kol Nidre night
Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy.
He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight is the final game of the World Series. Rabbi, I'm a life long fan. I've got to watch the game on TV."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for."
Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?

The ventriloquist
Moishe and his Scotsman friend enter a bar with a group of their friends.
Soon everyone is eating and drinking like it's going out of style. Eventually, it comes time to pay the bill. "I'll Pay!" shouts McTavish and, with a scowl, pays the bill.
The next day, the headline in the newspaper reads, "Scotsman Angrily Searches For Jewish ventriloquist."

The visit to Mars
Two astronauts make the first manned flight to Mars. Upon landing, they find themselves face-to- face with a couple of green Martians.
"How do we make contact?" asks the first astronaut. "They look pretty primitive. Let's impress them with some of our technology."
"OK." says the first.
He reaches into the pocket of his spacesuit and pulls out a shiny cigarette lighter. The Martians look interested.
"I think it's working - light it!" says the second.
The first astronaut turns the wheel and a flame shoots out. Immediately the faces of the Martians turn from green to red.
"Wow!" says the first, "they must really be impressed."
Then one of the Martians reaches out his little green hand, points a finger at the men, frowns, and says very sternly, "Shabbos!"

Saved by the bear?
Solomon is out in the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, Solomon runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and manages to hide in a cave. But he is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave and now Solomon is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his eyes closed—also praying in Hebrew. Solomon thinks to himself "How lucky am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear in the area! We're mishpocheh—I'm saved!" And then he listens more carefully to the bear's prayer: "...HAMOTZI LECHEM MIN HA'ARETZ." 

Telling the future
Bush was very curious about how the Jewish people knew everything before he did. So he called the FBI and asked them to figure it out.
One week later they came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews have something called shabbas. They meet each other at the synagogue and use a code. They sit, they pray, and there is a word that is the key to this secret. This word is 'Nu?'. When one says to another, 'Nu?' the other tells him everything, every bit of news."
Bush wanted to see this for himself. So the FBI dressed him like a Hassid and taught him to read from the right to the left of the siddur. Bush arrived at a synagogue on shabbas and sat beside Issy. He waited for a moment, and said, "Nu?"
Issy answered, "Shh, don’t talk now, Bush is coming."

The deal
Joseph had just passed his driving test, so he asked his father, if they could discuss the use of the car.
His father replied "Joseph, I'll make a deal with you. You bring your school grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month Joseph came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. His father replied, "Joseph, I've been real proud of you. You have raised your school grades, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
Joseph waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Moses had long hair...."
To which the father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"

The rumpus
Maurice has a business appointment, and he arrives a little early. The receptionist points to a comfortable easy chair and asks him to be seated for a while.
Maurice settles down, picks up a glossy magazine opens it, and tries to read. However, he finds that he cannot concentrate because he is distracted due to a rumpus coming from behind one of the doors leading off the reception area. Maurice goes over to the receptionist and asks, "What's going on in there?"
She replies, "It's a partners' meeting."
"But why are they shouting at each other?" Maurice asks.
"It's a battle of wits," she replies.
Maurice asks: "Who is in there?", and she answers, "Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abramowits."

The Headache.
Sadie goes to see her rabbi and complains about her bad headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
All of a sudden, Sadie shouts, overjoyed, "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!"
To which the rabbi replies, "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now."

The Doctor
Shlomo goes to Doctor Lewis for a check up. After extensive tests Doctor Lewis tells him, "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live."
Shlomo is dumbstruck. After a while he replies, "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't afford to pay your bill."
"Ok," says Doctor Lewis, "I'll give you a year to live."

Going For A Drive
Sam was driving down the road and gets pulled over by a police car. Walking up to his car, an officer says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back."
Sam replies, "Thank goodness - I'd thought I'd gone deaf."

Flying High
Marvin and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."
Marvin turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?" "Of course."
"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the Kol Nidre appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!!"

Tickets, anyone?
Yitzhak and Freda go out to see Fiddler on the Roof on stage. This is the most sold out show of the year. Somehow, they've been lucky and manage to get best seats in the front row. But they notice that there's an empty seat in the row behind them. When intermission comes and no one has sat in that seat, Freda turns to the woman sitting next to the empty seat and asks, "Pardon me, but as this is such a sold out show and in such demand, we were wondering why that seat is empty."
The woman says, "That's my late husband's seat."
Freda is horrified and apologises for being so insensitive. But a few minutes later, she turns around again.
"Without meaning to be rude or anything, this is an incredibly hard show to get into. Surely you must have a friend or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"
The woman nods, but explains, "They're all at the shiva."

The waiter
Benjamin and Morris are sitting in a wonderful Kosher restaurant in Miami.
They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. Benjamin and Morris are dumbfounded.
"My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager, an old friend of theirs, also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans over to them so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

What's in a name?
Sam is a nice young man who tells his father about a girl he has just met.
His father just wants to know her family name. When Sam tells him that the girl's name is Ford, his father says that Ford is not a good Jewish name and he must forget her and go find a Jewish girl.
Time passes and Sam finds another girl. Her name is Smith so his father tells him to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name.
More time passes and Sam finds another girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the girl's name is Goldberg.
"Goldberg," exclaims his father, "this makes me very happy because it's a real good Jewish name, and from a good established family."
Then his father asks, "Is her first name one of my favourite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca?"
"No Father," replies Sam, "It's Whoopi."

How he got the job
David has done well for himself and is Mayor of a small town in Israel.
One day, David and his wife Andrea are walking past a construction site. Suddenly, one of the construction workers stops and calls out "What's new, Andrea?"
"Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," Andrea replies.
She turns to introduce David to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes.
After David and Andrea continue on, he turns to her and asks how she knows Avi.
"Oh," Andrea said. "We went to the same high school. I even thought about marrying him."
David began to say. "You realise how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!"
Andrea replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married him, he'd now be a Mayor!"

Taking it all with you
Issy was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked very hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So Issy begins to pray.
An angel hears his plea and says to him, "I'm sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
Issy implores the angel to speak to God to see if he might bend the rules. He said he would try. In the meantime, Issy continues to pray.
When the angel reappears, he informs Issy that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, Issy gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward he dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven.
The angel Gabriel, seeing the suitcase, says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here."
Issy explains that he has permission and suggests he verify his story with God.
Gabriel checks and says, "You're right. You're allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
So Gabriel opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly goods that Issy found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"

COHEN and O'REILLY
Moshe is walking along the Street and sees a little tailor's shop named COHEN and O'REILLY.
Moshe goes in and talks to the typical little Jewish tailor behind the counter, telling him how impressed he is that for once the Irish and the Jews, often at one another's throats, have come together like this.
The little Jewish man seems unmoved 'You sopprized by dis!?' he asks.
'Well, yes' says Moshe, still oozing enthusiasm. 'I mean...COHEN and O'REILLY working together in the same shop. I mean...It's different! It's heartwarming!'
'Vell' says the little Jewish tailor 'Here's annuder soprize for you, I'm O'Reilly!'

What a coincidence!
Maurice and Isaac found themselves sitting next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, Maurice looks at Isaac and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Israel."
Isaac responds proudly, "I am!"
Maurice says, "So am I! And where might you be from?"
Isaac answers, "I'm from Jerusalem."
Maurice responds, "So am I! And where did you live?"
Isaac says, "A lovely little area two miles east of King David's Hotel. Not too far from the old city"
Maurice says, "Unbelievable! What school did you attend?"
Isaac answers, "Well, I attended Yeshiva University." Maurice gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
Isaac answers, "I graduated in 1984."
Maurice exclaims, "Amazing! This is Berschert. Hashem wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Yeshiva University in 1984 also."
About this time, Moishe enters the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over to him shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg twins are drunk again."

A dog in Shull
During Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified went to talk to Bernie.
"What are doing here with a dog?"
"The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"It's true," says Bernie.
"I don't believe you. You are just fooling around and that's not a proper thing to do in a synagogue."
"Its really true," says Bernie.
"OK," says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do."
"OK," says Bernie nodding to the dog. The dog opens up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (and puts them on) and prayer book and then starts saying prayers in Hebrew!
The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school?"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "You talk to him, he wants to be a doctor!"

A Rabbis Blessing
Rabbi Levine is walking slowly out of a Shul when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He's an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat.
Across the street, Bernie sees what's happening, rushes over, grabs the hat and returns it to Rabbi Levine.
"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." Rabbi Levine says. He places his hand on Bernie's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."
Bernie thinks, "I've just been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day." So he goes into a betting shop and sees in the first race a horse named 'Top Hat' at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and the horse comes in first. In the second race, Bernie sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.
When Bernie finally returns home to his wife, she asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to a betting office and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names.
"So where's the money?" she asks.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat."
"It doesn't matter," Bernie said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."

Havaii.
Isaac and Hetty were planning a holiday. As usual, they ended up arguing.
"It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you." Hetty said.
"Oy Vay, I never knew someone so stubborn. 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced." Isaac says.
And so it went on all the way till they got there. As soon as they got off the plane, they asked a porter, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
"This is Havaii," replied the porter.
"Ha!" Isaac said, turning to Hetty, "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me? I'm always right."
Just before they began to walk away, Isaac gave the porter a hearty "Thank you."
"You're Velcome."

The proud mother
Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States—the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration.
Harry: Momma, guess what! I've just been elected president, won't you come to my inauguration?
Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I can't face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.
Harry: Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please...
Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.
Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!
Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macy's and Bloomingdale's to make you look perfect. You must come!!!
Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.
Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, "Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!"

The best slalom skier in the world
As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 gates as quickly as possible. Surprisingly, one year Israel had Avrahom, the fastest slalom-skier in the world, and had great expectations for a Winter Olympics gold medal.
The day of the final came, and the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 58 seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 58.7 seconds, the German at 61.8 seconds, and the Italian at 61.1 seconds.
Then came the turn of Avrahom. The crowd waited, and waited...and then Avrahom crossed the line in .....three minutes!
"What happened to you?" asked the team coach when Avrahom finally got back.
Avrahom replied, "Someone afixed a mezuzah to each gate"

The witness
Abe, an elderly man, was in the witness box.
"How old are you?", asked the attorney.
"I am, kayn ahoreh, eightytwo."
"What did you say?"
"I said I am, kayn ahoreh, eightytwo years old."
"Please just give a simple answer to my question," said the attorney, "How old are you!?"
"Kayn ahoreh, eightytwo." replied Abe.
The judge then intervened, "If you don't want to be held in contempt of court, the witness will answer the question and only the question." The defence counsel then got up and said to the judge, "Your Honour, may I ask the witness?" and turned towards Abe.
"Kayn ahoreh, how old are you?"
Abe replied, "Eightytwo."

The hearing test
Maurice and Sarah were getting old and Maurice felt his wife was losing her hearing.
He decided to stage a test. One day, as Sarah read the paper, he stood a distance behind her chair and said, in a conversational voice, "Can you hear me?" Silence.
He moved towards her. He was now 6 feet away. "Can you hear me?" Still silence.
Finally, he moved directly behind her chair and bent over, just inches from her ear "Can you hear me?"
Sarah replied "For the third time, Maurice, Yes I can!"

The loan
Jack walks into a central Manhattan bank and says he's going to Israel for two weeks and needs to borrow 5,000.
For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage.
Two weeks later to the day, Jack returns to the bank and repays the 5,000 plus interest of 9.41
The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir, we were delighted to have your business but checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow 5,000?"
"Where else in central Manhattan could I park my car for two weeks for 9.41.

The visit to the dentist
One day, Betty goes to her dentist and asks him how much it will cost to extract a wisdom tooth.
"Two hundred dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," Betty says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if I don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to a hundred and fifty dollars."
"That's still too expensive," Betty says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging you only a hundrd dollars."
"No," moans Betty, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it without anaesthetic and use a pair of old pliers - just for the experience, you understand, I suppose I could charge you just fifty dollars."
"Marvellous," says the woman, "book my husband for next Tuesday!"

The phone call
Morris calls his son in New York.
"Benny, I have something to tell you. I'm divorcing your mother."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight to LA. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after Passover. Call your sister in New Jersey and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
After hanging up, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, the kids will be here for the Seders, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here Rosh Hashanah."

The last meal
Fabritzi, Jacques, and Abe are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
Fabritzi asks for a Pepperoni Pizza which he is served. He is then executed.
Jacques asks for a Filet Mignon which he is served. He too is then promptly executed.
Abe requests a plate of strawberries.
"Strawberries?"
"Yes," replies Abe, "strawberries."
"But they are out of season."
"So, nu, I'll wait.

Three Jewish Mothers
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench in the park talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."

Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."

Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst for Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."

The dog
A little old lady get on a plane. She's carrying a bag, a purse and a little dog in a box. She sits down and puts the box on the seat next to her.
A stewardess approaches and says, "I'm sorry Madam, but you can't keep the dog here. I'll have to take it and put it in baggage."
She agrees. What else can she do?
During the flight, the stewardess looks in on the little dog, and Oy Gevult, the dog is dead. She informs the pilot who notifies airport who tells the director who decides that they will get an other dog to replace this one. The little old lady will never know.
When the plane lands and she goes to the baggage hall to claim her box, they bring her a box with a new dog, an exact replica of her old dog. "This is not my dog", she exclaims.
"Why yes it is," the captain tells her. "See, it has the same markings."
"This is not my dog", she insists.
"How do you know this isn't your dog?" asks the captain.
"My dog is dead!"

The convert
Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest.
He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion.
At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him.
"Pastor Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."

The IRS
Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"
"It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I'll try."
"Do you know Sam Cohen?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?"
"He will!"

The yiddish speaker
Sadie, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Boro Park.
She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
Sadie then says, "Vot Time is It?"

Gourmet food
Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep on Shabbos!"

The dream
Moshe was talking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"
The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"

The Tailor
A fellow came to a tailor to have a suit made for a special occasion. When the suit was ready the man came to the tailor's shop to try it on. To his horror he discovered that one sleeve was significantly longer than the other sleeve and one pants leg was about 10cm shorter than it need be. The fellow complained to the tailor. The event was that evening and he needed the suit.
The tailor advised the desperate fellow that he should pull his arm up in such a fashion that the short- sleeved arm sits right at the hand. He contorted himself as recommended. Then he suggested that he shift his weight in such a way that the cuff of the all too short pant leg comes right to the shoe.
He paid for the ill-fitted suit and went off limping down the street. Two gentlemen were walking behind him and were observing how he was ambulating down the street. One man said to the other, "Look at that unfortunate fellow, how disfigured and misshapen he is!" To which his colleague replied on a positive note, "At least he has a good tailor!"

Two perspectives
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping together. They put up a tent and lay down inside to enjoy a tranquil rest around the fire. In middle of the night, Sherlock turns to Dr. Watson and says, "So what are you thinking about now"?
Watson responds: "Sherlock! This is awesome. I'm gazing at the celestial stars hovering above us, I'm overwhelmed by the romantic splendor of the night, and I'm engulfed by the picturesque view of the Double Decker.
"And what are you thinking about"? asks Watson.
"That someone stole our tent," Sherlock replies.

Two perspectives
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, and household articles in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half-hour ago."

  Copernicus and the poor man
A wealthy man threw a party in honor of his son's graduation from university. A poor man happened to be in the vicinity, and joined the party. Amidst all the commotion he was let in and seated at the far end of the table.
"Son," the wealthy man said, "share with us some of the great knowledge that you have acquired in the university."
"Well," began the son, "Copernicus proved that the earth turns on its axis."
"That is false!" came the objection from the poor man at the other end of the table.
"How do you know? Prove it!" shouted the student.
"It is very simple," replied the beggar. "If the earth turned on its axis, then the food that was placed at the head of the table would have by now come to this side of the room."

The ape and the lion
Dov is an Jewish actor, so down and out he's ready to settle for any acting gig that he can find. Finally he gets a lead, a classified ad that says: "Actor needed to play ape."
"I could do that, " says Dov.
To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the local zoo. Owing to mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, that they can no longer afford to import the ape they needed to replace their recently deceased one. So until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit. Out of desperation, Dov accepts the offer.
At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. And Dov feels undignified in the ape-suit, stared at by crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to be amused by all the attention, and starts to put on a show for the zoo- goers: hanging upside-down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls, and roaring with all his might whilst beating his chest. Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd.
One day, when Dov is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hand slips, and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den. Terrified, Dov backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes with his paws, and prays at the top of his lungs, "Shma Yisrael Ado-nai Elokeinu Ad-nai echad!" (Hear O Israel, the Lord is our G‑d, the Lord is one!)
The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars, "Baruch shem k'vod malchuto l'olam va'ed!" (Blessed is the name of His glorious kingship forever and ever!)
"Shut up, you idiots," a panda bear mutters from a third cage. "You'll get us all fired!"

Angelic rabbis
A community was asked about the qualities of their former rabbi.
"He can be compared to Moses, King David, and even an angel," came the response.
The new community eagerly accepted the rabbi as their spiritual leader but quickly realized he was incapable of anything. They wrote a letter to the other community, complaining as to why they deceived them.
To which they received a reply, "We were not deceiving you. Just like Moses — this rabbi can't speak. He knows not a word of English — like King David. And just as an angel — a mentsh he is not."

Oy Vey
Four Jewish ladies are playing a game of cards in Miami Beach.
The first lady sighs and says, "Oy..."
The second lady nods, sighs and says, "Oy vey!"
The third lady says, "Oy veys meer!"
The fourth lady chimes in: "Enough talk about the children already. Let's get back to the game."

Midnight lecture
A Jewish man is speeding the highway at 1 a.m. A policeman stops him and asks, "Where are you racing at this hour?"
"To a lecture," the man responds.
"Who will give you a lecture at this hour," the policeman asks.
"My wife," was the reply.

Wisdom of a child
A child sees the bulletin of the Synagogue announcing that the congregation had just hired a new rabbi, his name is Rabbi Dr. Epstein. The child is so excited that the new rabbi is also a doctor, that the next time he has a stomach ache, he calls the Synagogue.
"I would like to speak to the Rabbi Dr.," the boy says. The rabbi gets on the line and asks how he can be of help. "Well rabbi, the boy says, I have a stomach ache and I was wondering what you suggest I do."
"Sorry son, I'm not a medical doctor," replies the rabbi.
"What type of doctor are you?" asks the boy. "I am a Dr. of Philosophy," was the response.
The child thought for a moment and then asked, "What type of sickness is that?"

The rabbi's wish
A Presbyterian Minister, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi are discussing funerals and the question came up, "When you are in your casket, and friends, family, and congregates are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?"
The Presbyterian Minister says "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
The Catholic Priest says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a loyal servant of God who brought forgiveness and love to people's lives."
The Rabbi replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving.'"

A gift to a mother
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 12 years to teach him. I had to spend $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote, my first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so bored and he is rude!"
"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."

Two Jews in Moscow
Two Jews were standing and talking on a Moscow street. One of them did not have official papers permitting him to be in Moscow at the time. When a police officer approached them to verify their documents, the Jew with the documents told his friend not to worry as he began to run from the officer.
The officer began to chase him. When he finally caught up, the officer asked him to show his documents, which he did. The officer asked him, "Why did you run away from me when you have the right documents?"
"My doctor told me to run one mile each day," responded the Jew.
"But why didn't you stop when you saw me running after you," asked the officer.
"I thought your doctor told you the same," said the Jew.

Deadly Service
On Saturday morning one Memorial Day weekend, the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, David."
"Good morning, Rabbi," replied the young boy, still focused on the plaque.
"Rabbi, what is this?"
"Well, David, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, Friday night or Saturday morning?"

Life with the KGB
The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello? Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."

Mom's perspective
Two Jewish mothers met for coffee.
"Well, Mildred," asked one. "How are your son and daughter doing?"
"To tell you the truth," answered the second, "my Daniel has married a real good-for-nothing. She doesn't get out of bed until eleven. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what and when he gets home exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Psha! "She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."
"And Layla?"
"Ah! Layla has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening he takes her out to dinner at a beautiful restaurant."

The size of a man
Secretary of State Henry Kissinger decides to make
for himself a custom-maid beautiful three-piece suit
of the finest material. During his next trip to Italy, he
has himself measured by a world-renown designer,
who subsequently gives him the material for his suit.
When he arrives in Paris and presents the
material to the skilled tailor, the man measures his
body and says: "Sorry, Mr. Kissinger, but a man your
size need at least another two inches of material."
Surprised, Dr. Kissinger continues his journey to
London. There, the tailor says, "I am sorry, Mr.
Secretary of State, but to turn this into a suite for
your body, I need another three inches of the
material."
Disappointed, he arrives in Beijing. There the
widely acclaimed Chinese tailor remarks, "I really
don't understand what you were thinking, Mr.
Kissinger. Your body is far larger then this material.
We need another five inches."
Finally, an angry Dr. Kissinger arrives in Tel Aviv.
He presents the material to a local Jewish tailor. The
tailor measures him and says: "You actually don't
need so much material, but I will cut off some of it
and will turn the remainder of it into a stunning suit."
Kissinger is astonished. "Can you explain to me
this enigma," he asks the tailor. "I have traveled the
world and everybody has claimed that I need much
more material. What is going on here?"
"Oh, it's quite simple," the Israeli tailor responds.
In Italy, you are a big man; in Paris, you are even a
bigger man; in London you are a great man and in
Beijing you are a giant of a man.
"Here in Israel, you are a small man."

What Time Is It
There was once this fellow who did not own a watch. Whenever he wanted to know the time, he would simply ask someone.
"Why don't you just buy a watch?" a coworker finally snapped at him after being asked one time too many.
"Why should I buy a watch, when I can simply ask!"
"Well," asked his coworker, "What do you do in middle of the night?"
"I use a Shofar!" said the fellow.
"A Shofar?"
"Yes. Whenever I want to know the time, I go to the window, I blow the Shofar, and all my neighbors start yelling, 'What are you doing? It's two in the morning!'"

A doctors advice
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely deteriorate and die."

"Each morning," instructed the doctor, "fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Have the dinner waiting for him on the table, hot, as he arrives home from work. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging is allowed. You must also compliment him at least five-six times a day, telling him how brilliant and talented he is. And most importantly, never disagree with him.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year," the doctor said, "I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

Denial of an alcoholic
A man came to a bar on a nightly basis, ordering two glasses of Crown Royal. When the bartender asked him why he never changed his order, the man explained that he had a friend with whom he drank a nightly glass of Crown Royal for many years.

"My friend was drafted and died in Korea," the man sighed, "and I decided to immortalize him by drinking two glasses of Crown Royal every night. One glass I drink for him; the other for myself."

One night, after thirty years, the man entered the bar and ordered a single glass of Crown Royal.

"What happened?" asked the bartender.

"Oh," the man responded, "I quit drinking."

Almost a Bad Day at Work
A man joined a multinational company as a trainee. On his first day he
dialed the cafeteria and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool. You've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"

"No," replied the CEO.

"Good!" replied the trainee as he put down the phone.

A Jewish Indian chief
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new chief, who was really a Jew dressed like an Indian, if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was really Jewish, he had never been taught the old Indian secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. 

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood
in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the meteorologist again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

What's the Rush?
As the avalanche swept through the streets, Barney Wassermann jumped into the first building he saw to avoid getting buried, not realizing that he'd entered a cathedral. He sat down and heard the evangelist say, "All those who would like to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven should rise."

Everyone stood up, except Barney.

"You!" shouted the preacher. "Don't you want to enter the Gates of Heaven?"

"Of course," responded Barney, "but what's the rush?"

Jewish customs
A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago. On his very first Sabbath, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.

The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home. "Mr. Katz, I'm asking you, as the oldest member of the community," said the rabbi, "what is our synagogue's custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?"

"Why do you ask?" asked Mr. Katz.

"Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down..."

"That," said the old man, "is our custom."

In the flames
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now
$100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of menchen over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish Fire Department passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside
the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished
the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Well," said Morris Goldberg, the 70-year-old fire chief, "The first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on that lousy truck!"

Empathy
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks he's stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher was surprised, but realized this was an opportune moment to help a child.

"Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" she asked.

"No, ma'am," Johnny replied, "but I hated to see you standing there all by yourself!"

The right to know
A woman called a local hospital. "Hello," she said. "I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel in Room 302," the woman answered.

"I will connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

"Thank God!" the woman said. "That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic, that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a family member or a very close friend!"

"Not exactly," the woman said. "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything."

Discovering Your Name
A young Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus on his first day of kindergarten.

"Please behave, my bubaleh," she says.

"Take good care of yourself and think about your mother who is waiting for you, tataleh!"

"And come right back home on the bus, my shepseleh."

"Remember, your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketzeleh!"

At the end of the school day, the bus returns. She runs to her son and hugs him.

"So what did the love of my life learn on his first day of school?" she asks.

"I learned my name is David," is the boy's response.

Two beggars
There were two beggars sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One had a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David.

Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the one sitting behind the cross.

A priest came by, stopped and watched many, many people give money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally he went over to the beggar behind the Star of David and said: "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him triple the amount just out of spite to you."

The Star of David beggar listened to the priest and, turning to the cross beggar, said: "Moshe! Look who's trying to teach us marketing."

Jimmy's Birthday Gift
Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a swear word; those that weren't were very rude.

Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things and playing soft music  anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He tried yelling at the bird, but the bird got worse. When he shook the bird, it got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, Jimmy quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

Jimmy was astounded at the bird's change in attitude. Before he could ask what changed him, the parrot said, "May I ask what the chicken did?"